ME:The Good, The Bad and The Better

ME:The Good, The Bad and The Better

The life is always like slope of the mountains... easy to get down but difficult to climb up. Once you have climbed up, you will find yourself at a height where you have always desired to be. But, unlike mountains, your stay on a peak in your life is always temporary. One can never be on the same position for whole of his life however strong his desire may be. For, life is all about changes, everything in life changes with time. ‘Change is inevitable’ this phrase has a deeper meaning for me now than it had when I had first been introduced to. At that age, it was like a challenge for me to prove this phrase wrong or to find an exception for it. But, as days passed, on the list of examples became shorter and shorter. Seems I am in almost full agreement to it and probably have accepted it as a law of nature, the mother divine. And to this change, my life also has not been an exception. With time, life has changed...I have changed, or rather evolved that is upon others to judge for I never can’t judge well about myself.
As far as I can go in flashback of my memories I can see myself as a child who was very shy, introvert and somewhat confused. In memories I find myself as a child full of enthusiasm and zest and excitement but weak to express them. But then, the fact that He doesn’t send anyone weak in this world-there cannot be a manufacturing defect! Then why was I weak if my findings about myself, my childhood is correct? For an answer to this question I feel the need to find out the type of weakness I had. Was it a physical weakness, emotional weakness, mental weakness, spiritual weakness or any other special type of weakness which today’s psychiatrists easily list out for modern parents to check and find their child’s presence. And, the fate of most of the children born nowadays is similar in a way that their busy, professional and ‘concerned’ parents find them in one of these lists and try to check on it through various tactics which ripens the tender mind before time. The mature talks with which today’s child can surprise you can be attributed to the specially designed play schools and development courses to which today’s children are enrolled to before they are born! Anyways, I would cut this topic for another write up if at all I find myself suitable enough to acknowledge this topic at some point of time in my life. But, I feel happy and lucky to have been born in a generation and in a city and society where these special ‘care’ were absent at my time.
The scratch in the polished surface of my memories equalises to my inability to react back on time and with the needed force to what I consider ‘injustice’ that used to happen. Now, for this injustice again no one can be held responsible, “it’s a human tendency” is all what I can say to justify this statement. The weak is always suppressed and the strong always dominates is one of the golden laws of nature – the mother divine. The scratches have healed but still when I look back or find anyone else in a similar situation those incidents just surface up in my memories and leave me thinking and consoling myself. I still scold myself very often when I see myself being left crying for my toys when boys younger than me would snatch it away from me and I would not react or oppose being already beaten up. I also get irritated on the memory of the sentence which would thrust on me a heavy load of responsibility whenever I would gear up with all my strength to hit back “you are elder, you should react maturely or is this what we have taught you?”. It was the same case in preschool, the same in school as well. In the twelve years of schooling in which people generally have at least 10 friends I can only count 3 of them and rest of them all my enemies or rather the offenders. It is for the same reason that I love to visit my school even now but I don’t want to ever meet my batch mates or classmates as all of them would have a different story about me and I would have a different reason to not like them. It was somewhere in class sixth that my classmates had become frequent in using slangs. Slangs of a degree in which they would abuse not only the person but there were also such slangs which wouldn’t spare their mom-dad, bro-sis, and even grandparents whether dead or alive! I never used those words. The reason was none other than the fear of my parents getting to know it because I was very sure that I would surely get a good thrash if my parents get to know it. And more than it that my mom would be left badly hurt if she gets to know it. I still remember the scene where all boys of my class(except 3 friends of mine) would tell me on a daily basis that I am feminine because I don’t use slangs! Now, this might sound stupid now, but imagine the situation in a grade six classroom? It was humiliating. So be it, after giving a written complaint to the class teacher and trying everything to restrict myself from getting into their league even I started using slangs and I am proud to accept that I used such filthy slangs that even the most notorious boy of my class would hesitate in arguing with me. But this wasn’t the end of problems in school. Now they had a problem that I was foul mouthed and was below their hi-fi standards. As always I did not care and continued being happy with my group of 4 friends. Changes happened in this group too. The group of four became a group of three and now only two of us remain friends. My plus two was end of my tolerance and start of a brand new me who was very malicious, cunning and vengeful. It so happened that one of my teachers was after me for his tuitions and I being a student at some other tuition centre would not join his classes. He would in turn, never give me a passing mark and I would never pass. The pressure both personal and parental is not worth mentioning. But I was a silent sufferer only till the first year of my plus two. Then I found a friend in one of the most powerful teacher of the school who taught me to react back but with full proof planning. In class twelve there were a series of anonymous letters to the principal complaining about the teacher and when I found that the principal was in that teacher’s party I even did not hesitate to write to the provincial of Patna province complaining about the principal. Though, I got nothing big(teacher’s expulsion or a scolding and the principal’s transfer would have been of some relief to me) but the tension that I could easily see on their faces as soon as the letter used to reach respective seniors used to be a big relief. I still remember the course of tension that I had created for the teacher by stealing my answer sheets from the school file burning it to ashes and on parent teachers meet day accusing him in front of all parents and mine also of not handling my file properly and thoughtfully misplacing my answer sheet. This didn’t take a big form on the D-day but had a large impact after wards where poor fellow had to give an explanation to the principle irked by me. The junior of my neighbourhood cannot be missed in the list of my victims. He considered himself better than me in every aspects of life and I had absolutely no problems. But he crossed his limits by being offensive to my parents and family again and again even after warning thrice in public. I was left with no other option than to teach him a lesson. So it happened. I had good terms with two of most notorious teacher of plus two level who was his class teacher. Little bit of drama and the result was that the poor fellow failed miserably in his class 11th results.
Then was the Kota episode where I became confident and strong. I learned to speak up and to retaliate on time with full force. Slowly, it so happened that my hitting back was not needed anymore and a bold expression of dislike and/or a prolonged peace of mind (directly/indirectly) would be enough for the person. And by God’s grace I have been able to maintain an image in the college where nobody wants to get in a rift with me. So, I don’t have to degrade myself to their level and act in a way which later on always leaves me thinking and concerned. I am happy! I know that what all I have done is not at all justifiable and are ethically wrong but still I am happy that I did so as it was very much needed to help me survive and make me into a confidant person as I am today.
Changes are inevitable and so was the case in my life. It was a serial change from good to bad and again to good. I never repent whatever happened but have gracefully accepted it as His plans to turn me into a strong and confident person. So never be closed or presumptive to changes in your lives. Don’t have the inertia of not changing, change with time and am sure after the change has happened you would be proud of it!

Happy changing life and happy living!